I miss him so much....

 

The other day I was sitting down and all of a sudden my mind went to Patrick. The day he died.  I don't know where the thoughts came from but they were there. It's been almost 6 months. It will be 6 months on my birthday.  Not really even looking forward to my birthday this year, I mean I know it's a blessing but just not excited like I was. Maybe that's what started it? I don't know.

I remember being home. Up early on Saturday because I wanted to finish my zebra dress to wear to church the next day.  I was about to season some fish so that it could just marinate all day and night. We were gonna have a fish fry for Patrick's birthday that Sunday after church.

I started sewing, hoping and praying that the machine wouldn't wake up the kids lol. Y'all know I love my quiet time.  I called Tony at work around 545 6ish to say good morning and to let him know I was awake. He didn't answer so I figured he was busy. 5 or 10 minutes he called me back, he was at work but like I said, he was busy so he couldn't pick up. 

Around 8 or so he called me back and told me he had to tell me something. It was kinda quiet in the background so I just assumed he outside. The alarms started flying when I heard a baby in the background. The only person I could think of was his mom and sisters. His sister has a small baby and I thought something had happened. I was NOT prepared for what he said next.

Adrienne, Patrick died this morning.

Now, I'm waiting. SERIOUSLY waiting on him to laugh and say he is kidding but it never came. 

I did NOT believe him. I had JUST talked to Patrick, he was JUST over our house. He was JUST out with Tony the night before. It seriously couldn't be real.

I'll never forget the way I felt when I realized he wasn't joking. Never.

I know people deal with death and dying a lot. But I didn't grow up and see my friends constantly dying. So this was really hard. I've had realitives to die when I was younger but I was too young to understand. The ones I've lost that I remember, I haven't been close to. This was the first time, I can remember feeling this way and I'm almost 32.

I went to the funeral home to see him, before everyone else did. I was going to support someone else, so I actually got there before she did.

Walking in that room, seeing him from far off, just killed me inside. The closer I got to him, to see it was actually him, I lost it. Even though I initally cried, these were tears from somewhere else. I can't describe it.  I'd never really gone to a wake before, but mom told me I needed to do it so I would be prepared for the funeral. I'm so glad I did.

It really took some convincing to talk Tony into going. He flat out refused.  There was nothing i could do or say. He got a call from a REALLY close friend and they were able to tell him how much he needed to come and see him before the funeral. He still refused. He got another call that changed his mind. I don't know what they said or how it happened but it worked. I left to go pick him up and bring him back.

The look in his eyes when he saw Patrick still haunt me.

The funeral was at a huge church here and it was packed. Standing room only. It was such a beautiful sight to know that Patrick had touched so many lives.  In the time that I have known Patrick (I met him in 1993 when I met Tony) I have only seen him mad/angry/upset ONCE and that was about a week before he died.  He was such a great man.

I love him so much. I miss him even more.

I thought it would seem more real, more final after the funeral but it's not. It still doesn't seem like he is gone.

Sometimes when I'm downstairs, I can still see him sitting on the sofa, I can still hear him laugh, asking me what I cooked, looking at whatever I was sewing at the time. I can hear the kids getting excited when they see his truck pull up in the driveway. I can hear him and Tony talking about how they are gonna torture the girls dates when they start dating...that scene in Bad Boys II? Yep, that's them all day long. They have it memorized.  I can remember them laughing till they couldn't breathe while watching "Life" or "The Water Boy" like they were watching it for the first time. 

I don't know. This is like my therapy I guess. The tears flow freely. I don't try to stop them anymore when I miss him, when I think about him.

We had some friends over last weekend and it was the FIRST time, since he passed that I haven't been sad when they all came over. Sad because he wasn't physically here. Not that he wasn't missed, but it was, I don't know...peaceful.

I still have some of his clothes here, some papers I helped him fill out for school. His medicine bottle is still sitting next to my printer. I still have pics up, I still have memories.

I will always have memories.

I guess I'm done now. I feel better. I don't talk to everyone about him, I don't trust everyone like that. Those that are really close to me know when I'm really hurting and missing him.  My heart isn't as heavy. I love him, I miss him and he will forever be in my heart.

Comments

[orchidophile]

God bless you, Adrienne. God bless you.

[Charisse]

Girl, I feel special that you are speaking about him to us. We all love you and we know that he is in God's hands, being that special guardian Angel for you, Tony, the kids and all of the people who were so important to him. Keep loving him!

[jillian]

I think when you lose someone that close to you, there will always be a little hole in your heart. And that's OK. It's the place where they live and will be remembered. Thinking of you.

[Dei]

He's on your mind because he's looking down on you, an angel over your shoulder. Make sure that when he checks in on you that you give him reason to smile. So far it looks like you've done a very good job.

You cherish your family and friends and lovingly share that joy and sometimes sadness with us, your extended family. Hang in there girl, you've got a ton a folks who are going to send you and the blessed love of Patrick up in prayer today.

[Sue]

Adrienne, I am so sorry and I can feel your pain through your writing about Patrick. There is not a thing except time and prayer that can ease that hurt and longing for your loved one. Please know that I am thinking of you and hope that you will feel more peacefulness in your life very soon. Love ya, girl!!

[Stacey _CrimsonPurl]

As you know I completely understand.

Yep I remember when I got my call and it really didn't hit me until I hung up the phone what was being communicated....and it still is unbelieveable a month later.

It is a pain I never knew I could feel....it hurts ooh so much and I am prepared to live with this tender spot in my heart forever.

All I can say is (as you have been doing for me) continue to stay strong in GOD and keep the smile in your heart with the memories of him.

R.I.P. forever Patrick

[Jenifer]

*hugs* I know how you feel. I am still missing my friend Chris and I have moments like this too

[Jayme]

Adrienne-Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. Sending you hugs and prayers from NC.

[Omega]

You and your family have my prayers. I can say I do know how you feel. I'm still grieving my brother who died in Aug. this year. It is the worse grief that I've ever experienced and I am 53 y/o and have experienced a lot of grief in my lifetime but some death just doesn't seem right. My brother was 7 yrs. younger than me, he was the baby of the family and he touched many people in his life. He his truly missed by many family members and friends. When you grieve hard it's because you've loved hard so there is nothing wrong with that. Keep his sweet memories in your heart. I pray that God will comfort you...be blessed!

[Marybeth]

Hi, Adrienne... I know just how you feel. When my father died I had to go to the funeral home first before my family to see him, and the walk across the room to the coffin, and then seeing him in there like that... It's a feeling I'll never forget. You do lose relatives when you're a little kid, but it's not the same. When you're an adult, the first time you lose someone so close to you like that, it totally changes you. It's almost impossible to believe that someone can be there with you one minute, and then gone forever the next... I can tell you this, though. You will be surprised at how much he continues to be a part of your life. Over the years as your family grows and things happen, you will think of him and what he would say, or you'll remember things about him... It's bittersweet, but also really amazing. Take care of yourself... Our prayers are with you and your family... Marybeth

[T.T.]

May the Lord continue to bless you and your family Adrienned. Patrick's memory will live on forever through you all.

[Christie]

~xoxoxoxoxo!
You are all in my heart and on my mind! Much love to you!

[Cassandra]

I think blogging about your feelings is great therapy for you. You have a wonderful bunch of internet friends to support you. You will never be alone in your sorrows here.

The loss will never go away but you will learn to deal with it better as time progresses. I lost my dad four years ago and it's still hard. So I do understand.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Stay strong

[SherryV]

Adrienne, that was a beautiful piece you wrote. Thanks for sharing some of your heart with us. It was really a blessing to read.

[Elaray]

Remembering Patrick might be painful, but I think it's a good thing. Some losses you never get over, you just learn to live with them. Keep praying for strength, as I pray for you and Tony.

[don]

Touching post, A. The way it was written made me even feel your driving emotions, more and more as I continued. Death is so univited. Just in case it comes for me soon ... let me say this now: I love the sincerity and warmness of both you and Stace. I feel blessed.

[shai]

I understand. My childhood friend was gunned down right down the street from us. It still hurts. I see his empty house and shake my head. To see him laying on the ground dead is etched in my brain. Shot over a crazy argument, he stepped in to defend a family friend and was shot only a few houses from his home. It hurts to know the person who did it got off on 5 years probation. I wrote a poem about it weeks after his death. I just read it last week when I was going through my papers. I teared up.

Keep his memories. Laugh when you can about something he did. Thank God you had him in your life. It is hard and never gets easy. The memories and laughter helps sometimes.

[Arlene Murrin]

God bless you! May you have peace.

[Windowdressing]

You touched my heart with the words you spoke. I've lost someone very close to me also and you managed to describe how I am feeling as you talk about your memories and feelings about your special friend. God bless you!

[Sharon]

Hi Adrienne:
I know you heart is really heavy and you have to have some outlet for how you feel. I think sharing how you feel is a therapy that can't be underestimated. Only time will heal. Your mind and spirit are still healing from the shock and it will simply take time to ease you through the pain. Our thoughts are with you and you do have a great internet community to offer their support. What I appreciate most about you is your willingness to share the most vulnerable moments in your life. That takes a lot of courage and I know it will make you stronger and able to get through your grief.

[Nikki]

I'm sittin here teary-eyed. From the way you talked about him on your blog, we all got to know him through you...through your eyes. I hope it helped you to talk about it here. Keep talking, sharing, and keeping those memories alive.

[lisa (momy4him)]

(((HUGS))) it must be sooo hard to lose a good friend.
thanks for sharing with us your heart and your memories.

[amber]

{{hugs}}